i felt heavy today—my heart, my soul. maybe it was the moon, or mercury. maybe it was that dream about my dad. whatever it was, it allowed my mind to slip into rumination. or maybe that was me who allowed it. but there it was. those words that were said, or written rather, spinning on a loop. i was only sad. there was no anger, nor sharp pain in my chest—just sadness.

“the cosmos got to me,” i told carol, my co-worker who keeps me up to date on what’s going on out there. after she realized i meant the universe, and not the flowers (we work at a nursery), i confided that all i wanted was to curl up in bed and do nothing. nothing at all. she told me i couldn’t do that though. and while there’s certainly nothing wrong with that from time to time, i knew what she meant. “just hold on,” she said. “that’s all we can do. just hold on.”

and so i did, i am, and i will.

the difference between my ruminating thoughts now, compared to those a year ago, is they’re often interrupted by my own words of assurance. this will pass, i know. the sadness—it will pass. i can’t change what i did before, or what anyone else did—or will or will not do. i can only allow myself to keep holding on, and to keep my head up—because i know my worth is so much more than what i previously allowed myself to believe.

and tonight, as i allow myself to feel whatever it is that i feel, i will watch the Friends reunion—a show that kept me holding on so many years ago, when i didn’t know why i was so sad, when my depression was something i couldn’t understand, and when becoming a teenager was the least of my worries. when nothing else could make me smile, Friends would make me laugh. i don’t imagine any other show could ever mean more to me than this.

in front of the Friends building exterior. Greenwich Village, NY, NY. 2008

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