she’s a double earth sign
and i’m a double water.
but at times i forget—
i’m still somebody’s daughter.
she must think i have a death wish
and use her as my weapon,
but my heart still beats and breaks,
living this life of deception.
not a single thought of her
has been wasted, that’s true—
but i said “maybe i have too few regrets
when it comes to this ride with you.”
and “it’s all about me
because me is always about you.
how the fuck do i stop feeling
like an extension of you?
like when i can’t even write
because you’re playing at the bowl,
just a mind of broken words
falling deep in a black hole.
and how the day i came again
to call california my home
was the day your mama died—
i’d never felt so alone.”
but if her heart won’t let me in,
then who’s really to blame?
even when her soul
has been screaming my name.
sifting through the rubble,
i can still see her there,
still reaching out my fingers
through her waving red hair.
i know it’s an inside job
to find my soul some peace,
but does that have to mean
she can’t put my mind at ease?
i swear i don’t have a death wish,
i just don’t know how to live
when every cell of my body
is begging her to forgive.
she said, “you bring out the devil in me,
hurting you the way i do.”
i said, “it was just another unfortunate
premonition come true.”
because we know it goes both ways,
we know we hold the mirror,
but when the past was so broken,
how could any future look clear?
toys of the sun 